Closing the Culture Gap

The language of love does not necessarily need, well, language -- at least not in the beginning, when emotions and hormones usually do most of the talking.

In the Bay Area, where people from all over the world come together, cross-cultural couples are not unusual. Likewise, the ability to travel the globe for business or pleasure brings people together as never before. And let's not forget international dating Web sites.

``A lot of chemistry and physical attraction is not verbal,'' says Liz Kelly, a Los Angeles ``dating coach'' and author of ``Smart Man Hunting (iUniverse, $14.95).''

However, once the romantic embers cool a bit, a linguistic disconnect can cause problems. There are also cultural differences that play out the longer a couple are together.

Helen Taliaferro, a 30-year-old native of Taiwan, met her Texas-born husband-to-be, Jesse, a year after she came to study in the Bay Area in the mid-1990s. They have shared interests, including a deep Christian faith. But there were still obstacles, she said. For one thing, Taliaferro had to learn to argue in a foreign language.

``I couldn't make my point,'' she recalls. ``I was getting really frustrated. My English wasn't good enough.''

There were also awkward moments with his family, which loves to share jokes. ``It was hard to explain them,'' says Taliaferro, who lives in San Mateo with Jesse and their 2-year-old daughter. ``Humor is cultural.''

Indeed, a bond formed between two people of very different backgrounds can greatly increase the usual personality and familial differences experienced by any couple, says Solange Cubie-Roca, clinical director of San Jose's Multicultural Family Therapy Institute.

Frequently, Cubie-Roca says, women adjust better then men. ``Some women come here and all of a sudden they enjoy so much freedom that was denied to them,'' she says. She adds, ``Women are able to be more flexible because they have to. Men are more resistant because they have been socialized to hold on to their values more.''

Serious problems can arise when women, desperate to escape the poverty of developing countries, marry American men they meet on the Internet virtually sight unseen. The men are looking for a more ``traditional'' wife; the women are hoping for a better future, says Teresa Yu, domestic violence program manager with Asian Americans for Community Involvement.

The women can lead isolated lives, depending entirely on their husbands. And if they do begin to exercise independence, their spouses may object, she says.

Both partners must have freedom to grow, Yu says. ``Both people need that for it to be a healthy relationship.''

It's important that each person respects, if not embraces, the other's culture, Cubie-Roca says. One way to do that, she suggests, is for each partner to at least try to learn the other's language.

``It shows a respect for the other person and provides validation that can weather the storm of culture shock,'' she says.

Taliaferro was deeply moved -- and her family thrilled -- when her husband learned to speak Mandarin. In fact, he now teaches it to elementary school children. He also studied Chinese history.

``He really wants to know because he loves me,'' she says. ``It makes a huge difference.''

RESPECT, LEARN, GET CLOSER

How to nurture cross-cultural love:

• Respect each other's background.

• Attend cultural events together.

• Learn, or try to learn, each other's language.

• Be sensitive to cultural differences, particularly if you have children. Expose children to both upbringings.

• Encourage your partner to connect with his or her ethnic community.